A Wanna Be Spiritual Guru

This is a big universe, and we only have our little brains to understand it all.

Friday, April 07, 2006

Life is definitively incredibly hard right now. We have gotten back together, of sorts. She says she's trying to work things out in her mind, but it's very slow going and stressful. I'm frustrated and scared as I've never been before. I've never cared for anyone as I care for her and it's killing me that we are together yet emotionally apart. I've prayed to God and asked for help, and I feel like I'm loosing my mind. I just wish I could snap my fingers and make it all better, to make her stop hurting and have a love me as she did before all of this happened. I've never felt more for another person in my life, and that includes love and the pain in I feel today. We had a few good days and last night was brutal, very brutal. We talked for about 2 hours, and those hours were filled with tears and pain. I have not recovered from that yet. I'm still in a sort of daze, in a hazy fog were everything seems surreal. I don't know what she is thinking or feeling and I wish I did. I wish I knew what was going on behind those eyes of hers so that I can say the right thing and do the right thing. Boy, does this sound like craving or what? Why is it that I'm learning all of these life lessons, but not really learning anything from them, at least in terms of taking care of myself. This pain is unbearable and being tired too boot doesn't help. The fear of loosing what I have is just a great and all of those emotions come in waves, waves of fear, anger at myself, guilt and wishing things were different. I think of the wedding we planned and the hopes and dreams for our lives and now I wonder. I wonder if any of that will come true, or if it's all out of my reach now. I don't know, I just don't know. I guess in essence, there are two are only a few things in this world that I am sure off. Life has always worked out for me and my higher power, my God, has always taken care of me. Craving is addictive and causes insessant pain and grief. Wishful thinking and worrying do nothing to make a situation better, and you have to live in the moment, the here and now. But why is it so hard to do all of that, especially when things are tough in life? I have a few good friends, but she has been my best friend for many, many months now. We were supposed to see a counselor today, but she couldn't fit us in. I feel like every day that goes by without us talking with an intermediary, more time elapses were things will get worse. I'm so stressed out I've lost almost 20 pounds and I simply can't eat. I sleep poorly and worry haunts me all day long.

I've asked God for help over and over, and I guess I will just keep doing that, since He's always been there for me.

Hoping for a better tomorrow and happier days.


Wednesday, March 29, 2006

It has been many months since I've posted anything and I said before I'm really doing this for myself. Well it is amazing how fast life can go from being the best it's ever been to the worst possible. My fiance and I had a very large fight - well I'm at fault and she's kicked me out. What is amazing about all of this is how faith and my basic ideology come in to play. I went from now knowing what to do, to finally realizing that our cravings really are the basis of all our pain and suffering. This doesn't mean that I don't love her with all my heart and soul, but what it does mean is that my cravings make it very hard to look at things objectively and rational. It has been extremely hard to look at things rationally since all of this is emotional pain. But I have also noticed that I prayed for the first time in a very long time. I know that for some prayer and a Buddhist philosophy don't seem to mesh but Christian belief and a Buddhist world view seem to intertwine very well as I'm looking at things. I realize that I do have to except that is something outside of me that is greater then me (boy this sounds like AA) but I also need to understand that along with the greate power - God - I have to understand that I can't cling to things has hard as I do. I have to understand that clinging and craving are the same and that at the moment I die - it will be me and no one else. It will be me who has to look back at this life and say "it was a good life." At least I hope that I can say that. I honestly - with all my hear - hope that I can say that "it was a good life." Loving this much and hurting this much have taught me a little about myself. I guess this is growth even if I don't sit and meditate any more - I did meditate for about 20 minutes last night and it helped calm me down. I' m afraid to deal with life, afraid to deal with my faults and issues. Why is that? Fear or loathing? I guess many of us hide from ourselves and way too many of us put our head in the sand and run away on a daily basis. Whether this is TV, books, radio, computer games, etc. We run away and try to delve into a fantasy world so that we don't have to deal with the reality of right now, of where I am standing now. I want to be able to let go a little bit and understand that in the end, when all is said and done, I have to be able to say that I lived the best live I possible could. That I did the best every day that was possible to me at each moment, and that in the end, that's all that counts. I'm beating myself up - I hate myself right now. But tomorrow will be another day

Friday, October 14, 2005

Well it's finally my Friday. I have worked all week and all weekend and am looking forward to some sleep. I really want to begin meditating again. I miss the calm and peace I get from it. It always helped me with so much include my food. It's just so hard to make time for meditation when life get's so busy with not only work but opera. I hardly have time to see my girlfriend as it is and work is really stressful. We will be spending as much time together this weekend as possible. I once again realized, from the outside looking in, that things really do have a tendency to work out. I also know that this weight gain that is causing depression will also change if I make up my mind to change it. It is a bit scary how easy it is to let oneself get out of control with the food. I am amazed at people who tell me they simply don't understand what it means to have issues with food. I guess these types of people have never used food for comfort, to feel better, or to please others. I have a lot to work through and know I eventually will. I always think back to the first book I ever read, that started me on my spiritual journey. It was Dan Millman's "The Way of the Peaceful Warrior." At the time I just thought it fun fiction. But after some life expriences and some reflection on my part, I am beginning to realize that life is there fo r the taking and that we all have the opportunity to make this life the best we can. I refuse to live my life afraid of others and afraid of doing what I need to do for myself. I have taken my first real steps towards stopping my codependent habbits. And it is truly liberating. This of course comes out of some sort of deep seeded issues I know, but I'm working on this and I feel better than I ever have about myself.

Life is interesting. Just when you think "I'm going to give up on love. I'm going to give up on being my own person. I'm going to just give up on working on myself." - everything changes. I met the best woman in the world and she has helped me further on my journey. But everything kind of came together at once. First I started a new job, then I started counseling again, and now I'm in love in a way I have never been before. It's just amazing!

When I was in FA, I thought I had it all figured out and thought things would never change. As a matter of fact, the knowledge that change is part of life and that my daily reality will be different in the future, caused me great anxiety and scared the crap out of me, to be quite honest. I thought I had lost complete control after I quit FA, but in reality I have found some new, important control in my life. I know that once I get over this codependency issue in my life, I will be a much more stable person emotionally.

I don't know why in the heck I am putting all of this on the web for everyone to read. I guess part of it is just to get it out of my system. But another part is that maybe there is someone else out there who is also worried about codepedency, weight gain / loss, and work stress.

Counseling and constantly thinking and working on this issue have really helped, and I only started all of this in May of this year. I'm pretty proud of myself.

Well, if anyone happens to read this, thank you. =)

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

I guess I am going to give this blogging thing one more shot. I am so bad at keeping things up, and I guess I'll blog mainly for my own self indulgent purposes. My life has changed a lot. I have gained some of the weight back I lost in the 12 Step Program, but I have never been happier. FA was destroying my life while controlling my eating habits. I have seen a nutritionist and am working hard on sorting out my food issues. I know that many people deal with this, and I think I have to go back to Dhama and understand that we are addicted to sensations and cravings. This means, that in my case I'm not addicted to the food, but the sensation of warmth, and comfort I feel when I eat it. This means I need to change my attitude towards food and not what I eat. I know that FA means well, but I also know that their way is not healthy since I suffered some weird health side effects from eating the way I did. I suffered from "flue like" symptoms for many months during my last year in the program. I wish I was thinner, but I'll get there.

However, the most important part of my life I havn't even mentioned is that I'm in love and will soon marry the love of my life. We met backstage at the opera. She plays in the Symphony and I sing in the chorus. We are in love and fit perfectly, like gloves. Our personalities are alike and we have similar interests with just enough variety to allow us both to be our own person. I have bought her a beautiful diamond ring and can't wait to call her my bride. I will always call her my bride and think of her as my bride for the rest of my life. Despite the food, despite the stressful job, she is the light that brightens my life each day I see her.

Thank you, honey, for being in my life.

Well, I will try to say some more later.

Wednesday, September 01, 2004

It has been ages. But it also has been ages since I’ve been in a frame of mind to say something of interest or maybe even importance. A lot has changed in my life. I have left my 12 Step program. It was something and eating away at me emotionally, socially and from a personal time stand point. However, I’m in a good place now. I learned a lot from it, and am a better person because of it. However, I had to come to understand that it was not a valid life style for me. Other addictions such as drugs and alcohol have a much more dramatic effect on life. In FA we were struggling to make this "addiction" idea work. I have been eating flour and sugar for over three months, and it has not affected me adversely. I think the crux of all of these things is our emotions. We react to things on an emotional, primal basis, and this is what drives us to misery. This gets right down to the reason I decided to write again. I am writing not for anyone else, accept myself. It is good to get this off my chest, and down on "paper" so to speak.
I spent this past weekend sitting for part of a Vipassana course. I have been struggling with a lot of things in my life. Work, finances, love life, religion, philosophy, and politics have been eating at me. I still don’t know exactly how I feel or where I stand on everything, but the retreat helped me to understand one fundamental thing better than I did before.
Vipassana, the Buddha, and S.N. Goenka teach that all suffering comes from out cravings and aversion, and out ignorance of the fact that these two mental acts (it’s really just one – craving) make us miserable creatures. I have been trying to fill the hole with everything possible, other than dealing with my misery. But, alas, we all probably do that. However, to get to my point. I realized that deep inside of me, the craving that causes me anguish, is really my inner child. I am like a young child, kicking and screaming in the candy isle when I don’t get the things that I want. I build up tension. This tension creates an emotional chain that attaches my mind so firmly to that one thing that I want that it becomes an all-encompassing obsession. It really doesn’t matter what it is. I could be something trivial, or a major life-changing thing. If I want, I want it now, and I want it my way. Boy what a realization that was. I’ve understood the concept from the beginning, but didn’t really understand the meaning and emotional reality of this. It has amazed me over the past few days, how attached I become to things, and how much these attachments bring misery to me.
So, now comes the challenge of letting go, of not only intellectually understanding, but also actually letting go of my attachments.
So, today is the beginning of the rest of my life. As Goenka says, a wise man does not regret the time past, but does the best with the time still available.
I hope that I can do that.

Monday, February 09, 2004

I just read an article about Christopher Reeve. Instead of being depressed and angry at the world, he has taken a positive outlook on his life. But not only that, he is so convinced that the body has the power to heal itself, that he spends time meditating and envisioning his body being healthy. It is, apparently, because of this process that he has regained 20% of his movement and 70% of his feeling throughout his body. That just amazes me! The doctors all told him that if he did not show signs of recovery after six months, there would be none. It has been 8 years for him now. The power of the mind, and being convinced that things will change in a positive fashion, is just amazing to me. I sat in meditation today for a while at lunch, and tried some of this positive reinforcement. I came out of that meditation session with a complete feeling of calm, and even a more positive outlook. It is true that I probably need to do that kind of meditative visualization every day, but that short experiment was amazing. For a little while (about 2 hours) my depression and anxiety lifted, and I felt great, and I only meditated for a short while.

This proves on thing to me, beyond a shadow of a doubt. If we have the faith that things will work out, and we hold to that faith, no matter what, things tend to look better, and outcomes tend to be better. I don’t know where this life is leading me, but I believe that if I can keep the determination to be positive and understand that there is cosmic power upon which I can draw to structure my life, then things will work out just fine.


Saturday, February 07, 2004


Ok I'm the biggest slacker in the universe. But I've been sick, depressed and tired and haven't meditated in a while. So I've litterally have had nothing to say. But I feel like things are changing and I read an awesome article from Science of Mind that I will post today. Let's just say that I believe that the power of blind faith, that all things will be taken care of by God, and that I have to remember that all things change, but will ok, is that which should drive my life. I'm not sure exactly how to express it, but having faith, in whatever higher power you have, makes all the difference. But not only that, having the faith that things will work out, as long as you trust in your higher power, is the key.

Enough of my babbling. Here is the very, very long article.

Drawing Your Own to You

We will always attract to us, in our live and conditions, according to our though. Things are but outer manifestations of inner mental concepts. Thought is not only power; it is also the form of all things. The conditions that we attract will correspond exactly to our mental pictures. It is quite necessary, then, that the successful business man should keep his mind on thoughts of happiness, which produce cheerfulness instead of depressions; he should radiate joy, and should be filled with faith, hope and expectancy. These cheerful, hopeful attitudes of mind are indispensable to the one who really wants to do things in life. Put every negative thought out of your mind once and for all. Declare your freedom. Know that no matter what others may say, thing or do, you are a success, now, and nothing can hinder you from accomplishing your good. All the Power of the Universe (God) is with you; feel it, know it, and then act as though it were true. This mental attitude alone will draw people and things to you. See only what you wish to experience, and look at nothing else. No matter how many times the old thought returns, destroy it by knowing that it has no power over you; look it squarely in the face and tell it to go; it doesn’t belong to you, and you mush know – and stick to it- that you are now free.
Rise up in all the faith of one who knows what he is dealing with, and declare that you are one with the Infinite Mind (God). Know that you cannot get away from this One Mind (God); that wherever you may go, there, right beside you, waiting to be used, is all the power there is in the whole universe. When you realize this you will know that in union with this, the only power, you are more than all else, you are more than anything that can ever happen to you. (Through faith.)
Always remember that Spirit makes things out of itself; it manifests in the visible world by becoming the thing that it wills to become. In the world of the individual the same process place. It is given to man to use creative Power, but with the using of this Power comes the necessity of using it as it is made to be used. If God makes things out His thought before they come into manifestation, then we must use the same method.
You can attract only that which you first mentally become and feel yourself to be in reality, without any doubting. A steady stream of consciousness going out into creative mind will attract a steady manifestation of conditions; a fluctuating stream of consciousness will attract the corresponding manifestation or condition in our attitude of mind, never wavering. James says “Ask in faith, nothing doubting, for he that doubteth is like a surge of the sea driven by the wind and tossed. For let now that man think that he shall receive anything of the Lord.”
We are all immersed in an aura of our own thinking. This aura is the direct result of all that we have ever said, thought or done; it decides what is to take place in our life, it attracts what is like itself and repels what is unlike itself. We are drawn toward those things that we mentally embody. Most of the inner processes of thought have been unconsciously, but when we understand the Law, all that we have to do is embody consciously what we wish, and think of that only, and then we shall be drawn silently toward it.
We have this Law in our hands to do with as we will. We can draw what we want only as we let go of the old order and take up the new and this we must do to the exclusion of all else. This is no weak man’s job but an undertaking for a strong, self-reliant soul; and the end is worth the effort. The person who can keep his thoughts one-pointed is the one who will obtain the best results.
But this does not imply the necessity of strain or anything of a strenuous nature; on the contrary, strain is just what we must avoid. When we know that there is but one Power we shall not struggle, we shall know, and in calmness we shall see only what we know must be the Truth. This means a persistent, firm determination to think what we want to think, regardless of all outer evidence to the contrary. We look not to the seen but to the unseen. The king of Israel understood this when, looking upon the advancing host of the enemy, he said, “We have no might against this great company, but our eyes are upon Thee.” – upon the One Power (God).
Suppose you wish to draw friends and companions to you; that you wish to enlarge your circle of friendships. There are too many people in the world who are lonesome because they have a sense of separation from people. The thing to do is not to try to unify with people, but with the Principle of Life (God) behind all people and things. This is working from the center and not from the circumference; in this One Mind (God) are the minds of all people. When you unite your thought with the whole you will be united with the parts of the whole.
The first thing to do, then, is to realize that Life is your friend and companion; feel the divine companionship; feel that you are one with all life; declare that, as this thought awakens within your mind, so does it awaking within the mind of the whole race; feel that the world is being drawn to you; love of the world and everyone who is in it; include all, if you would be included in all. The world seeks strength; be strong. The world loves love; embody it see the good in all people; let go of all else. People will feel your love and will be drawn into it. Become a real friend and you will have many friends.
Declare unto God that you are now linked with all people and that all people are linked with you: see yourself surrounded with hosts of friends; mentally feel their presence and rejoice that all good is yours now. Do this no matter what seems to happen, and is will not be long before you will meet wonderful friends and will be brought into touch with the great of the world.